Restarting. Letting Go. Moving On.

Over the past few weeks I have had the hardest time of letting things go. Specifically the concept of fear. Granted, fear is a necessary evil but to let go of fear linking to things that have happened in the past is a little different. Plus, harder to move past.

Not only am I passionate about art but also about health & fitness. They all link together in my life. Although, I have somewhat slipped on the food portion in the past few months. Up and down of to much and to little food. I came to a breaking point a few weeks ago. It was scary but needed.

Binge eating has been a battle as of late. Something many people battle with daily. I’ve touched on this before but felt an update on this was deserved. My eyes have opened to a few more things. For one thing, I don’t say things are ‘off limits’. All that does to us is tempt us even more. Once you get into that ‘off limits’ item it’s as if you are breaking a rule and it’s an adrenaline rush. In that moment it feels good, but that high goes away quickly and the guilt comes in screaming.

By allowing all food to be an option it’s been a little more manageable. I did have a binge episode recently but I didn’t tear myself down for it. Instead, I allowed it to happen and feel what I was feeling. The conclusion was:

  • I wasn’t eating enough food throughout the day.
  • I was bored of what I was eating.
  • And I felt like I was breaking the rules if I was eating certain things.

So, I completely restarted. If I want to have a quick snack in the middle of the day I have one. I pay attention to what I am eating, why and how I am feeling. If I am hungry, showing physical signs of hunger, I eat. Also, I check in if cravings occur to see if it’s really hunger or if something else is happening. Most of the time it goes back to fear of moving on.

Moving forward in my career. Moving forward in my fitness. Work. Family. Everything.

While growing up I felt like if I was to go forward not only would I fail but I would disappoint everyone along the way. I was never good enough to succeed. So, I would go to a certain degree of effort and than stop. I continue to do this.

However, now that I know what is going on within me, I am taking baby steps to move forward. A little everyday. Here is what I do a little of as often as I can:

  • Allow myself to eat when I am hungry
  • No food is off limits
  • Research things for my career at least once a week
  • Research things for my job 1-2 times a week
  • Make ‘to do’ lists for work with times to complete
  • Push myself in terms of my athletic ability each week
  • Slow down in my art, really allowing myself to explore my capabilities
  • Exploring food options
  • And many more small things……

Life is a mystery indeed. Nothing is off limits. But in order to move forward we must get to know ourselves which can be the hardest thing to do. And, if you can’t do that on your own, please reach out. It’s so important to talk to others about deeper issues. I can attest to that personally. It’s worth the tears. 

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