In my quest for an amazing 2016, I’ve had to allow myself to be a little more vulnerable. Not only in my work, but to myself.
We all have doors that are scary, painful and just plain terrifying to open. Typically these doors are linked to certain things that happened in our past. Usually childhood. The important thing about these doors is if we don’t open them at some point they take us over or are forced open.
Over the past couple of months, many things have happened. One big thing:
I got engaged to my amazing boyfriend of 8 years.
Now, anyone that has had a wedding knows the pressures of planning and how taxing it can be on you and everyone around you. What is rather fascinating for me is that this process of planning triggered many deep seeded things in me.
While I was trying to not see these things I was going through a roller-coaster of emotions. Let’s list them off 🙂
- I sleeping less than usual (I have issues sleeping but it was getting slowly worse)
- I was depressed
- Stressed out
- Although I kept my workout routine, I binged once to twice a week on a massive amount of food
- Felt overwhelmed
- And, many other things
The bingeing for me was the biggest problem because it triggered the depression, stress and feeling overwhelmed.
On Tuesday, it all came to a massive erupting volcano. I was tired of feeling so overwhelmed and confused. Planning a wedding should be fun but I was losing my mind. I went to work and let myself feel whatever it was that I was feeling.
It was scary. It was emotional. But, it was necessary and freeing.
I cried. A Lot. I asked everyone at work to leave me be, let them know I was okay but I just needed to be by myself. I work in a picture framing shop so this was doable and good for me.
When I got home my boyfriend asked me to let it out and I did.
As a kid, there were many times where I felt like I was a failure. I was told this many times. I wasn’t good enough, not talented, not attractive….I wasn’t what certain people felt I would be. Now, as a kid it’s natural for us to learn how to bury those feelings and triggers. Overtime, they come up.
Planning this wedding started to make me feel as if I was putting on a show to prove to many people that I am worthwhile, I am talented, attractive and good.
Long story short, logically I know I am not a failure by any means. But to feel it emotionally within you is a journey within itself. Once I let these words out. Once I cried and expressed how I felt and that I knew what was reality, it’s as if this heavy shadow was lifted off of my entire being.
After that, I got a massive headache. Went to bed, slept great and woke up with a blinding headache again. But it wasn’t a bad feeling. I equate it to that feeling of getting over a cold. You aren’t 100% better but you can function better. Over the day the headache lifted but I don’t remember how long it lingered.
In closing, I wanted to share this story with all of you because I know there are so many out there that are going through this, have gone through it or are scared to do so. If you aren’t strong enough nor ready to open up those intimidating doors alone, seek out a good trusting therapist. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, one day I hope to get therapy of my own. After all, you hired them so if you don’t like them you can fire them.
Another interesting thing that occurred to me to is that my urge to binge has ceased. It’s incredible. And my creative mind feels more peaceful and free. Keep your head up and keep going forward. It’s so lonely to be afraid of things that you aren’t ready to see. It’s scary and intimidating. But, when you crack those doors open and work slowly to walk inside, things will shift and the storm clouds will clear.
I promise. It’s worth it.
New Pieces for Safe Haven:
*40% of the price for these two pieces goes directly to Safe Haven Wildlife Sanctuary.*
Steele; 9×12 white and black charcoal on black paper; $240.00
Taco & Scooter; 12×9; colored pencil on watercolor paper; $240.00
Hawk; 12×9; White Charcoal on Black Paper; $240.00