Over the past couple of weeks I have had a mind/body battle. Anyone who is on a health/fitness journey knows this battle. For some it’s more severe and heartbreaking, while others it’s smaller but still difficult to go through. I am happy that my battles are smaller compared to many. No matter how small the battle is though, it’s still difficult and should never be minimized.
As silly as this sounds for many, my battle is with sweets. Not cakes and pies but something smaller. Over the past 10 months I have slowly limited my sugar intake, by a lot. No more candies, ice cream, pies…unless it’s a special occasion or it has been at least a month since my last sweet tooth treat. Now, my indulgence is….peanut butter and almond butter. I’m not talking a tablespoon, I could destroy the whole freaking container! Sometimes I’ll add in coco powder and spread it on some fruit.
Now this isn’t terrible if it were occasionally but I have to watch myself with this. Over the past few weeks, I have limited this treat. This is my battle. When I’m stressed, tired or bored I tend to just go straight there. While eating I think ‘I deserve this’ ‘ I’ve worked out hard enough for this’ ‘It’s not like it’s a whole cake’….ect. But I know me, my mind and body and in reality those little bites add up quick, sticking around like a plague. My next wonder was…why I am doing this when I know how I feel after and what it does to me when I do this a lot?
After sitting with this I realized a powerful response.
I am holding on to the past me through these binge treats.
Deep down I believe that if I let go of this piece of me that enjoy nut butters (which there is nothing wrong with that!) in large doses, I will change for the worse. I will move away from a past that isn’t relevant anymore. I started using this as a coping mechanism years ago, as in when I was a kid. Stressed out….Oreo’s and peanut butter would be grabbed at. Or peanut butter cups. M&Ms were there too. Over time I moved away from the processed foods and stuck with nut butters. Which is fine but I can’t go there anytime I feel stressed, anxious or sleepy.
Sitting with this epiphany, I started to become emotional. Not unstable but choked up. It was that little scared girl in me saying ‘don’t forget about me!’. Although the past is what makes us up and can define us it doesn’t mean we need to live there too.
I will still allow myself to have these treats but in a controlled manner. I talk to myself a lot when I grab that jar and wanna plunge into it with a spoon. If I am stressing out, it’s time to distract myself or attack the issue I am trying to cover. When it’s things I can’t really face on my own yet, distraction is helpful. Going for a run (if the weather is cooperates), play a video game, go out (love the bookstore!), paint, ect. Anything that keeps me focused on something more important helps.
Also, I have started a new fitness challenge and daily I write down the workouts I did that day and anything I felt was significant in that day, or seemed important. This helps to just vomit up those emotions without any judgement.
There are many challenges to face right now, and that’s okay. I just means I am going somewhere good. Fear is natural. To fear letting go of a past you is normal but it is possible to move past it. You can and will. But be honest with yourself and with others. Have a support system, it’s helpful. Most of all: