I’m very lucky I don’t get bouts of depression all of the time. For those with chronic depression, my heart goes out to you and I admire you for pushing through your life everyday.
Depression can hit us all. The last couple of weeks have been an overwhelming amount. It’s extremely frustrating and devastating. With the support of my fiancee, friends and therapist I can push through those dark times. Not easy by any means, but I can do it.
I didn’t just Become depressed. The whole year has been a rough one. But I can’t think of it all in negative terms or else I come that which I hate, miserable and spiteful.
What hurts the most is the massive events that happened in the span of a few days. It’s never a good feeling when you see the dark side in those that you would think would never be so vengeful. And vengeful for no actual reason. Although I could see this hopeful happy event go south, quickly. Not because I am a negative person but because this has happened many times throughout my life. And it happened yet again, which brought me to my breaking point.
I was hurt along with a couple others.
*I am being vague, I know but the people involved don’t need to be targeted*
I was devastated with betrayal. It felt like I was reliving childhood events. I would cry, than laugh, switch to anger and soon just an empty shell. This caused me to binge eat for a few days, which made me feel worthless and disgusting. Very strong words. When you feel them deep down as things are occurring it’s like being stabbed by an unknown force and you can’t just stop. You don’t know how because you are in a strange way not even fully there.
With the help from my therapist I was able to come up with ways to vent, cope and create lists to break things down better. Creating ‘Stress Lists” and “To Do Lists” has been helping so much. When I feel upset and want to evacuate my mind/body I pick up my list and go to something else. For example, instead of eating a box of pasta with tons of cheese, I put on a podcast or draw with thunderstorm sounds on in the background. Recovery methods. Although at first you feel silly doing lists, it’s so helpful.
Also, incorporating more meditation sessions I can calm my mind better as well. When I finish a workout, I meditate. Why during this time? Because I have worked so hard at getting my body to this place and want to continue to make it better. Not because I have a poor body image, I just love feeling strong in my own skin. Being healthy makes me a better person not just in medical terms but it spiders out in my life. So, when I complete my workouts and meditate to close it, it’s a way for myself to remind myself of my strength, courage and capability.
During these past few weeks, it’s hard to break it down into a comprehensive post. But, my biggest lesson from all of these events is this. I don’t want to become what I hate and how I feel when these memories surface. When you hurt yourself (physically or mentally) you turn into what those said you were. Worthless, stupid, weak, boring, ect. But you aren’t those things, neither am I. Those that hurt you want you to believe this because they are filled with so much hate and jealousy, you cannot be more successful than them.
Take your life one day at a time when things are difficult. And when it’s very difficult, take it one hour at a time. Oh and if that’s to hard, take it one minute at a time! When you are happy and healthy, it spreads out to those around you. Like attracts like. Be the person you want to meet. Keep going. Don’t stop. If I can do this so can you.
And one of the best things to help me get through my rough times, I drew. I completed a piece during this time as well. There were points when it was hard to do because I was in a foggy place but creativity can bring in the light.
Art. Music. Exercise. Clean Food. Writing. Podcasts. Nature. Nature Sounds. Speed Painting. Reading. Research. And, the Business of Art helps me move through the quicksand. Most of all, talk to someone. And if you need to cry, cry. Trust me, I shed many tears. That’s okay.
If you have experienced bouts of depression, share your story. Together, it’s a little easier to get through things.
Lady Sable; 11×15 inches; Completed in General’s Charcoal Pencils and Caran d’Ache Colored Pencils (for her lovely eyes)
Sable is a wonderful African Serval from WildCat Ridge Sanctuary